The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize