Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
