I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
