my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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