My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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