I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
