Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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