Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
