I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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