I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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