just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
