First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
