She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
