I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
