Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
