You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
