Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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