Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
