I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
