I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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