Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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