Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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