If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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