There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
