yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
