i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
