shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
