you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
