Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
