So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
