If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
