the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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