After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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