According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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