After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
