That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
