His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
