i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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