Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
