if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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