Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
