She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
