i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
