He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
