put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
