I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
