nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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