Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
