i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
