The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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