You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
