i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize