i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
