I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
